Film A Day Experiences: B-Fest

Friday. 2:30 PM. My alarm goes off, after one of the longest nights of sleep in my life. I made sure of it, because I knew the day ahead wouldn’t end until Sunday night. I pack my bag  as if I have a mission of great importance. Video camera, check. Phone, check. Energy drinks, check. Snacks, check. I put on two sweatshirts. Sure, it looks bulky and ridiculous now, but they’ll come in handy as blankets later. I have a long journey ahead of me. One and a half hours by train, heading as far north as the CTA will take me. My destination? B-Fest.

B-Fest was one of the greatest challenges that I’ve endured throughout my year at the movies. I was contacted a while ago by my friend Jim, who informed me of a film festival which took place every year in Evanston, IL. It was a celebration of everything bad in film. A culmination of the worst and most ridiculous in science fiction, horror, and exploitation. For the past 30 years, students at Northwestern University, along with a dedicated base of die-hard fans have gathered in the McCormick Auditorium to enjoy a 24 hour marathon of the worst cinema has to offer. I approached it with fear and excitement. I’d done movie marathons before, I’ve gone through all 6 Star Wars films, a Star Trek marathon, Lord of the Rings, and countless others. For the past two years, I’ve attended AMC’s Academy Awards marathon. But this was something different. I was going to in a place where the laws of the theater didn’t exist. Shouting and talking was encouraged, walking and running around the theater was standard, and there were countless traditions practiced by the audience for different films. It was like being invited to a party where you didn’t know anybody.

Fortunately, my fears were quelled as I was immediately welcomed into the group. I arrived at the theater around 4, securing seats for me, Jim, and the crew of friends that he brought along. In total, there were around 10 of us in our group, but the theater itself was completely packed. You could tell that this was such an honored tradition for many of these people. There was a group sitting in front of me before the event started that had been attending for over 21 years. This was hallowed ground, where friendships began, traditions were made, and ideas created. Some even claim that B-Fest was the birthplace of Mystery Science Theater 3000, a claim that I wouldn’t be surprised to find true, due to the startling similarities.

Around 6, the events began, and immediately I knew that this was something different from any festival I’ve ever attended. The room was filled with laughter, shouts, jeers, and jokes. I could barely hear the movie. Needless to say, this wasn’t really important, as B-Fest wasn’t really about the movies, it was about the people watching them. There so many hilarious and fascinating people. There was a guy who dressed up in a full tuxedo, and went on stage to sponsor two movies, both of which ended up being some of the worst, but most entertaining of the night. There was Telstar Man, a mysterious individual who had been making mix CD’s for the entire audience since 2002 (I would like to thank him very much for giving me a set of the complete collection, I’ve had great fun listening to them.) There was Slide Whistle Man, a person, who after researching B-Fest on the internet for posters last night, I found out had been attending B-Fest, with his whistle, for over 10 years. This was truly a special place.

The films included:

Crippled Masters- We began with Crippled Masters, a 1979 film about two men who are betrayed by their master, and and are left crippled. In the beginning, one man has his arms cut off, and after suffering in a life of humiliation and weakness, he learns to adapt, until he encounters the man who was ordered to cripple him. His master had burned his legs with acid for failing him. They encounter a wise man, who teaches them to use their disabilities to their advantage, as the two team up together to fight their former master. This leads to some completely ridiculous kung-fu scenes, as every single punch and kick that these two disabled kung-fu fighters hit uses the exact same sound effect, leading to a small inside joke, where every action in the theater was responded with a “Whpssh!”

Heartbeeps- Oh god, Heartbeeps. I’m a huge Andy Kaufman fan. I loved his appearances on SNL, I loved his comedy, and I really enjoyed Jim Carrey’s biopic, Man in the Moon. But I had never heard of Heartbeeps. How is it that Andy Kaufman’s only film went completely unmentioned and unnoticed? Well, after watching it at B-Fest, I can easily answer that question. Heartbeeps is forgotten, because every single person has completely blocked this movie out of their minds. I used to be one of them, somebody who remained blissfully unaware of this film’s existence. I cannot exist as that person any longer, because the horror, the sheer loathing, the complete… badness of this movie cannot be ignored. It’s the story of a defective robot. He’s defective because… well… I’m not sure. He has feelings or something. And there’s another girl robot, and she has feelings too. And there’s a Rodney Dangerfield robot that sits on a crate and tells crappy jokes. And there’s a baby robot that looks like an aborted Wall-E. And they all leave the repair warehouse, and start walking around, while being chased around by the love child of a Dalek and the Bluesmobile. Randy Quaid’s in there too. He’s a GM employee. And that’s about the only thing that makes sense about this movie. If I had my name in this thing, I’d want to go bankrupt too. There’s no plot, that I could tell. They just… walk. They walk around, stare at each other, question things, listen to crappy jokes, love raccoons, and then go home. Why does it exist? I don’t know. But I sure as hell understand why Kaufman was never in another film.

Gymkata- It took me a while. The man who plays the king of the fictional country, the name of which I don’t remember, looked mighty familiar. Near the end though, I turned to my friend Jim and asked, “Isn’t that Grandpa Joe?” And it was. And let me tell you, Charlie’s grandpa kicks ASS. This whole movie is great. The main character practices the martial art of Gymkata, which is apparently the combination of karate and gymnastics. It’s fun to watch, but the main crutch is that a large amount of the combat has to take place on gymnastics equipment. Therefore, the entire plot takes place in a fictional European country, which I’ll call Gymnastistan. The first scene starts with basic floor mat skills, progressing onto combat with high bars, then ropes, and finally, on a randomly placed horse in the middle of a town. It’s stupid and ridiculous. But it’s hilarious and fantastic.

The Wizard of Speed and Time- I had seen the first few seconds of this short before when I attempted to watch a Youtube clip of it on a bus ride home. Other than that, I had only heard of it from Jim and a few select friends, all of which critically acclaimed it. The show began with a very large group of people running on to stage and lying on their back. Then it started. The first time, I wasn’t really sure what was going on. The crowd on stage were stomping their feet as a man dressed in a green cloak ran around the country. Then he fell into the castle at Disneyland, and began to sing while film equipment began spinning around him. It was weird, and then it was played backwards. It hurt my brain, but I loved every second. (The song was on one of Telstar Man’s CD’s. I play it every night.)

Plan 9 From Outer Space- This was one of the 3 movies that I had already seen before, and I had seen it in a very similar capacity as B-Fest as well. But god, this was when the traditions of these people really set in. For the whole night, I had seen people write quotes and draw pictures on paper plates, but I thought nothing much of it. Then the spaceships appeared. Whenever one of Ed Wood’s infamous flying saucers came on screen, the sky was filled with paper plates. They flew everywhere, hundreds of them. I couldn’t believe the kind of effort some people went through with these things. I got a few with stencils of famous actors who had passed away recently, that appeared in some of the films we watched that night. It was amazing. I spent most of the time reading the plates that were thrown at me, instead of watching the movie. It wasn’t just the plates though. Every appearance of Tor Johnson was accompanied with shouts of “TOR!” Whenever the vampire appeared on screen, the audience would shout if it was Bella Legosi or his post-mortem replacement. The quick cuts between day and night were announced with yells. It was like being randomly cast in a scripted play where everybody but you already knew the lines. I caught on pretty quick, but still, it was such a crazy experience to be involved in. It was the highlight event of the night.

The Room- I had seen The Room before B-Fest. After hearing of the horrors of this film, I checked out a screening at The Music Box Theater, featuring a Q&A with Tommy Wiseau. It was sick, it was horrible, it was like watching a soap opera. No, it was like watching a serious soap opera that somebody had written after they had seen a parody of a soap opera they had taken seriously. The B-Fest crowd seemed to agree, as people had begun to turn against the movie about 30 minutes in. It started simply enough, a sex scene began, and everybody began singing along with the dreadfully terrible song. Then the next one started, and the next, and the next. And there was Tommy Wiseau’s acting as Johnny, featuring the most stilted and terrible performance since Peter Boyle’s Frankenstein.  Soon, participants were on stage, recreating the infamous Denny’s decision to play football whenever a conflict arose. It was scary to be in a room with so many people who were Room virgins, but I’m pretty sure a large amount of them are on board.

Hard Ticket to Hawaii- My first crash of the night. I wasn’t sleeping, but I was so in and out of this film, that I didn’t really understand what was going on. Though I’m not sure that was my fault. The film was about a group of Charlie’s Angels wannabes, who worked for the government running a cargo service as a cover. They are put in charge of delivering a snake, which had apparently eating cancer-infected radioactive rodents. That didn’t have much to do with the plot though, it just showed up and ate people every once in a while. The rest of the movie was people being killed by Frisbees, blown up with rocket launchers, trying to find diamonds. Oh, and boobs. Boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs. Boobs? Boobs boobs. That’s about the main point of the movie.

Black Shampoo- The surprise film of the evening. While it was originally on the B-Fest schedule, it was pulled for unknown reasons, but reintroduced in lieu of Earth vs. the Spider. It was a very traditional Blaxploitation film, but it seemed to concentrate more on the sex than the violence. The story told about Mr. Jonathan, a hair stylist who… I’m not sure what he did. He got caught up in something. He banged his clients a lot too. His girlfriend was kidnapped. I think. I don’t know, but it was really cool when he shoved a pool cue through a guy’s chest.

The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension- I’m surprised this movie ever got made. It’s got quite a starring cast, and I loved it so much. The movie stars Peter Weller as Buckaroo Banzai, a science/inventor/band leader who discovered a way to travel into the 8th dimension. This allowed a race of aliens to enter the world, which only Buckaroo could identify, unless the rest of the band/scientists war rather ridiculous glasses. This was my favorite discovery of the evening. It’s so far out there, so ridiculous, but it’s so wonderfully funny and quirky, I couldn’t help but fall in love. Even the soundtrack, the main suite is utterly brilliant. I even like the ending scene, showing the group come together in a team walk that I’m pretty sure was copied by Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy.

Troll 2- Troll 2 has been a classic for me. I’ve seen it so many times, that quotes from this movie have become commonplace in my speech. It’s just so wonderfully bad, that you can’t help but fall in love. The plot, the dialog, the scenes, it’s just all so terrible, but it’s done with the kind of badness that you can watch over and over again. Seeing the first kid turn into a tree, watching the townsfolk try to force feed ice cream to the kid, watching the most ridiculous sex scene of all time, where things get “so hot” that the corn begins popping, it’s just stupid. But I love it. So did the audience. The man who plays the man child in the movie, Michael Stephenson, has a new documentary out, Best Worst Movie, and while it hasn’t come to Chicago yet, I can’t wait to have an opportunity to see it, hopefully with a Troll 2-loving crowd.

Live it Up!- My second crash. I didn’t really watch much of this movie. It involved a group of British kids,  who played instruments, well pretended to, and were trying to get popular. It seemed that every chance they had to make it though was fucked up somehow. They had so many opportunities, yet they never seemed to get them right. Not to mention they never really did play their instruments. The music overall in this movie was atrocious. Not in one scene did they ever actually Live it Up. They just… did.

Fiend Without a Face- I was kind of surprised with Fiend Without a Face. It was a Criterion Collection DVD first of all, something that usually bears a mark of quality. And in the end, the movie wasn’t all that bad. It was your standard 1950′s science fiction fare. Radioactivity, the commonplace “foe” of the 50′s, had caused a bunch of brains to become sentient and started attacking civilians, sucking their brains dry. Sure, it’s a stupid plot, but somehow everything seemed to work okay. There was a budget, a sign of some effort, and while it was silly enough to be part of the B-Fest lineup, it wasn’t actually too bad.

Sextette- AHHHHHHHHHHH. I didn’t know Mae West made this before she died, but it’s tragic that she did. It stars an 85 year old West, who recently marries husband number 6, played by Timothy Dalton. There’s quite a lineup of stars in this film, including Ringo Starr and Dom DeLouis. But Mae West clearly is far too old for any of this, because there simply is no sex appeal about an 85 year old woman. Any mention of sexuality from her was responded with screams of fear and hatred at the screen. The songs are terrible, the plot is simply ludicrous, as every is out seeking a tape that contains the history of fornication with various political members around the world. I don’t even want to think about it any more. One of the worst I’ve seen, and something I never want to see again. Thank goodness it was at B-Fest.

War of the Robots- Uh. There was a guy that looked like Prince Valium from Spaceballs. They were robots, I guess. There was a bunch of space things, and “gunfights.” But there wasn’t any real special effects, so the “robots” just kind of fell down a lot. Uh, they had to save somebody, I think? I don’t really know. All I know is the the film ends with a 30 minute “battle” scene, where the enemy is represented by circles, and the heroes by triangles. And they fly around on the screen. It was like watching somebody play Asteroids, but instead, it sucked. Me and Jim went up on stage and played Frisbee for a while, just to kill time. It was that bad. 2 hours. I swear. 2 hours of my life I’ll never get back.

The Giant Claw- Our night ended with The Giant Claw. It was a perfect way to cap off the day, because this has to be one of the most ludicrous science fiction films that I have ever seen. The film revolves around a gigantic bird who is taking down planes and attacking towns. Unfortunately for our heroes, the bird has an “anti-matter” shield so no conventional weaponry can ever take it down. Trust me. There’s a scene in here where they nuke the bird. You thought Indiana Jones was bad… Anyways, it’s so cheaply made, and so damn stupid, that it was perfect for riffing and jeering from the crowd.

And that was B-Fest. Surely the culmination of some of the worst films ever seen by man. It was 24 hours of brutal film-making, and something that no man should experience alone. That’s what made B-Fest so wonderful. It was the perfect location to see these movies. The crowd made the event so hilarious, and so fantastic, I don’t know how I ever lived without it. I want to see this every year, and I’m counting the days until B-Fest 2011. There’s something so damn great about watching these movies with this type of crowd, and meeting all these people, that it’s a challenge every person should at least try once. It’s a grueling and exhausting ordeal, but something so entertaining that it has no competitor.